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Manufacturing Maternal Instinct?

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Be careful what you wish for on those birthday candles. Jan. 24th, 2012 @ 02:44 am
Sometimes when I'm sitting - or actually let me get this right here - lying down on my makeshift "nap spot" on the living room futon, I wonder why I don't have the physical strength to move my body off of the futon to do something as simple as use the bathroom - I mean I literally sometimes have to have a five minute conversation in my brain, weighing the pros and cons, and then mustering the will power to CONVINCE myself to get up off the couch... just to pee. And then I remember that the reason I only maybe got done about 3 of the 10 things I listed on my "to-do" list that day (and "making this to-do list" was actually number one on my "to-do" list...  yes, that one is currently crossed off...  and the other 2 things I got done were "feed and/or give daughter attention when she cries" and "make bottles and fix the kitchen you destroyed yesterday when you made dinner"), and the fact that I feel like an 80-year-old woman with back ache, neck ache, headache, and ache STILL in places I don't want to admit... is because I literally just put my body through THE most emotionally and physically toiling experience I ever went through in my 24 years of life... and the "experience" lasted for about 9 months (some of it while I was unaware...  oops).  I just gave BIRTH.  I know...  I know...  women everywhere have been doing this since the beginning of human existence, but not EVERYONE is born (or brought up) to bounce back from something as traumatizing as that overnight - especially when they have never handled or dealt with a screaming newborn 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Some women were not born with that "super-mom" gene.  And why might someone, such as me, not have that wonderful and PROMISED "instant connection" and "maternal instinct"?  Maybe in lies in the fact that for the past 6 years directly prior to this new phenomenon in my life I prepared for it in the first 5 years by graduating high school at the top of my class, getting a 4 year degree, and then working full time in a shitty-ass job and getting a masters degree at the same time - all while I was in a long distance relationship (so therefore career-focused, as I was not distracted by my boyfriend) and completely immersed into the profession that I was studying, AND with a fun - and satisfying - weekend job.  And for the last year by moving to a completely new state with my boyfriend where my stellar education didn't count (thank you education system for being STATE laws) - so I couldn't get the dream job I wanted without taking more tests that I didn't have the money for at the time, so getting what was supposed to be a "temporary" job until I could prepare to take said tests, (and in this "job" was sometimes forced to have to take care of annoying, snot-nosed, smelly, needy infants and children)...  Until I realized I was pregnant, and therefore by standard protocol for these non-insured situations, married not shortly thereafter, so having to keep the "temporary" job just until I shit out a baby.

I don't think these qualifications lead to or help you to prepare for that "amazing maternal instinct". *sigh*

So what now?  Well, I guess I have to somehow manufacture that feature that nature or nurture decided to leave me deficcienct in.

But where to start?

I guess the first thing to do is look at the bright side of things.  I won't consider my pregnancy an "accident", really.  I mean...  how effective is the I-think-I'm-getting-my-period-so-that-must-mean-it's-ok-to-blow-deep method of birth control?  ...Not very.  So it's not like my body wasn't prepared for this.  Also, a good match in parents is always nice.  I always wanted to marry my husband.  I knew he was my perfect match...  I just didn't realize how soon this one-day-imagined marriage would be, OR how fast.  Got "engaged" ("oh, I got off work tomorrow so we could go to the court tomorrow between your work shifts") on a Thursday, and signed the certificate and got it validated by 11:14am the next day.

But I digress... Focus on the POSITIVE things.  Hmmm...  Well I guess that is as good a start as any to figuring out this "happiness" thing.  The bright side.  So my positive thing of the day?  I finally mustered up the strength and courage to get off the couch (after doing the 3 things on my to-do list...  some of them are still a"wip") and I wrote down some of my beginning thoughts and feelings of "motherhood".

...I wonder when I'll get my next "manic urge" to do something like this again.  Hah!  What I really wish I could say is, "I wonder if I can set a time to write down just a little each day and turn it into a wonderful blog about a new, struggling - yet completely witty - mother with the baby blues like WOAH", but come on now...  Let's be real.

Signing off, now.  The creature is stirring a bit, and I'm feeling lazy and lethargic again.  Hope this can happen again some time soon.
Current Location: The home.
Current Mood: lethargiclethargic

All it takes is a little bit of snow to SHUT DOWN Virginia Beach. Dec. 16th, 2010 @ 02:01 pm
Hello journal, it has been forever, huh?  I'm thinking about trying to do this often again.  I mean, I have so much free time and I'm wasting it on extra sleep.  I never thought there would come a day when too much sleep pissed me off, but I'm telling you now...  oversleeping is the worst, most addicting habit of all times.  All it does to you is make you extra lethargic and not accomplish anything.  And it really kills your body - the whole thing fucking aches.  Deadly sin of the year?  Definitely Sloth.  Well...  actually, the two sins of this year have been Gluttony and Sloth.  I will try to fix it for next year.

Ah...  that's what must be inspiring me.  The coming of the new year.  I can't believe what things have changed this year, but it's still not all right.  Something major is missing and I need a more complete change.  Something more for me.  Of course, what I need is to focus a little more and get a job...  just as soon as I can slaughter G and S.

But this year...  I did accomplish a lot.  I ditched the soul-sucker controlling boyfriend, got the man of my dreams back (incredibly enough), maintained a 4.0 for my Masters Degree (although I still don't have the actually damn thing on paper because of loan issues), and I moved out of my house for the first time!

There are also some bad things.  Ditching Mr. Control led me to go a little out of control.  Without constant supervision, apparently I am a wild party child who will stop at nothing to let loose.  I started smoking cigarettes pretty much on the regular... and I drank....  A LOT.  When I mean a lot, I mean I pretty much could have signed into AA this year if I gave a shit about that.  I also gained my weight back...  but that's not so bad.  My boyfriend now compliments me on my body every waking chance he gets, so I have gotten used to not being all too upset that my pretty little clothes don't fit me as well as they used to.  (Went from around 115-118 to 125-130 ...  not THAT big of a noticeable change - most people said I looked unhealthy before-hand...  except for my ex who had to make the statement: "Oh, you think she's pretty now? - you should have seen her while we were dating!"  Jackass.)  And even though I had such a strong work ethic at the beginning of the year...  I am now suffering from my yearly backslide into wintry depression and lethargy.

But it might be ok.  I might be able to fight it.  The new year is coming...  and that leads me to change myself every year.  Seriously, I don't think anyone takes New Year's to heart as much as I do.  New beginnings = change for me,  And so this year I have to start that changing process.  Resolutions will be set beforehand...  and the New Year will go nicely as planned.

Oh...  and I will begin to write again, starting today (of course).  And it should be an interesting delight...  because I - for the first time - moved into a brand new state, over 400 miles away from my beautiful Long Island life, with my military boyfriend (who actually hates the military and his job... which is comedic to me)... and I have pretty much no money, no job (yet), and I don't know anyone here.

So, my friends out there...  let the adventures begin!
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful

Osprey park... Nov. 29th, 2009 @ 01:59 pm
When Bella lost Edward for a few months she would try to return to places that she shared with him to produce a mere shadow of the old feelings she had when she was there with Edward in real life.

Well I went to the old beach to see Edward today because I got off early. My heart did a little flip for a moment, but there was nothing there. No semblance of catharsis. I picked up a rock to remind me of my little secret with myself, though.

I don't know what I'm doing. All is well and my relationship is fine. I have to stop thinking about him and go back to my normal everyday life. This is the season though... when my thoughts can't help it. I'll just fight, then. Get myself busy with school, work, and holiday preparation.

Yes. It's what I have to do.
Current Mood: indescribablelost

I miss you. Nov. 27th, 2009 @ 06:30 pm
I miss you. Are you still out there?

Sometimes I read through our old conversations from AIM so long ago just to remember how it felt when we spoke.

I put a copy of the poem you wrote me with all of my work stuff in a random notebook - sometimes I randomly accidentally come across it, and when I do I put it somewhere else so it happens again another day.

You were different than everyone else I knew. I remember that we could just stare at each other for hours and never get bored. We would just talk. We would even watch a movie, but the movie would be secondary to our conversation. Just background nonsense.

I remember when you read to me at the edge of the bay when the sun was setting.

I remember a day/night when we sat in the car at the edge of the water together all night after spending the whole day together - just so we could see the sun rise... and then we missed it.

I remember how badly I hurt you and how I begged for your forgiveness months later, like I never had for anyone else before.

I remember how you always used to say you didn't like the way you looked, and all I could do was stare at your beautiful lips and perfect mouth... listen to your perfect words... and think how wrong you were.

I still think about you from time to time.

Do you ever think about me?
Current Mood: okayokay

And the Earth went full circle around the Sun... Jun. 14th, 2009 @ 12:51 pm
Yesterday was my one year anniversary with my boyfriend, and today is the anniversary of the day we fell in love.  We were at an REM concert, actually, at Jone's Beach.  It was my first concert there ever, so of course there was a huge thunderstorm.  The lightning was so bad that it hit the top of the amphitheater just about right where we were standing.  Sparks flew out over the crowed and people ran to cover.  We were already running to cover so we stood together in the rain for a long time.  Then the storm died down and we jumped to the front of the stadium to watch REM play.  That was the day I realized that I would love him for a very long time, though we didn't even tell each other until at least a month later.

I mustered up the courage to give him the "poem" I wrote for him back in September.  We've been through a lot in this one short year.  Both of us had to face some tough trials.  Me first, then him.  I had to quit drinking and get my life on track.  He is still struggling...  like I stated in the previous entries, he is unsure whether or not he will get a "holy calling" to become a priest.  I already know that he will not, but I guess he just has to wait to figure that out for himself.

This is what I wrote to him:


Love Poem

Although it has been done before, I'll do it again without any conventions.
I have my own words that need to be spoken to you, the love of my life.

 
You have become my savior, my saint, the angel that was sent to bring light back into my life.
You are the one that has renewed my faith in love, spirituality, the goodness of mankind, and all
   other things positive and beautiful.
 

You pushed me to question, rather than accept. To question the status quo, promote growth and change.
You dissipated my fear and showed me that comfort can be found with the new and unknown,
   rather than in simple familiarity.


You allowed me to believe in myself when everyone, including I, already gave up hope.
You continued to give me the courage to succeed, even when I was in way over my head.


You showed me an alternative to dealing with the petty by leading others to try and do the same.
You saved me from the depths of self deprivation when me soul was teetering on the edge of damnation.
 

Like Eurydice, I was the living dead, a mere shade in Tartarus, full of Lethe.
But as Orpheus did, you braved the dark and breathed new life into me, giving me the strength to
   slaughter the sinful and reawaken, leaving Hades behind.
 

You changed my life, turned my World around, and you did this all with your love and your faith in me.

 
I believe in you, therefore I believe in myself and I believe in Love.
Love, which strengthened my ability to perceive a bigger picture and a greater meaning to life.
 

For that all, I love you.  Purely, simply, deeply, and true.
Everlastingly, for all of eternity. 
You are my other, my twin soul, the remainder of everything I am.

T.J.

     I wrote this (not exactly with A+ creativity) way back in September when our relationship was blossoming and we had a sort of naïve immaturity about us.  I can’t believe that it has already been a year.  Maybe things have changed, or maybe they have not.  Regardless of whether we were meant for the long hull, however, you were still there to see me through my rough times and I will always love you and cherish you for that.  You completed a part of me that wasn’t quite right, and no one can change that fact.  I will never forget you no matter where we both end up.  You are my best friend.

     I love you.
                          Kerri

Current Mood: lovedloved

Waiting in chains for true bliss. Jun. 9th, 2009 @ 12:06 pm
Some people want to be super-brain, and some people want to be super-heart.
This is why we have romantics and realists.
And this might even go on further to say that this is why we have optimists and pessimists, although the lines are slightly blurred on this one if you weigh the options.

Love and Sex.  This will be the title to my new book of life.  Apparently my boyfriend thinks that I should write a dissertation on sexual activity, physical pleasure vs. emotional and spiritual connection.

Unfortunately the dear love of my life does not realize that I am sort of a seer.  I'm not saying that i can predict the future or anything,but really... I do have a knack for that sort of thing.  It all started years ago when I used to blog.  I'd say around 9th grade or so.  I also dabbled in journal-ing even before that.  And what did I write about?  My thoughts, feelings, and predictions/stories about the present and future.  And what did I see a lot of in my writings from that time?  The love I had for my current boyfriend.

I could not stand other boys.  I hung out with a lot of them at the time, and some of them were even cute and funny and a little obsessed with me, but through them all I still had all eyes on him.  I even dated a few of them seriously for a few years.  But I retained my distant connection to him.

There was even a time that I was afraid to try something with this boy that he proposed.  I turned him down on a few dates at strange times.  Something inside me said "look, but don't corrupt".  There is something there that still needs change and growth, but I will come back again when the time is right.  Right now: patience and waiting.

And this is what I have done.  Waited and waited and waited until this was ready.

And then last summer it finally was.  Of course I had to make some slight modifications, (because I wasn't going to actively wait and sacrifice a little human fun).  The time of malignant, malicious, and uncontrolled, unforgivable sin was to come to an end.  I cut it out and absolved it.

And things soared.  Oh, they were great for a long time.  Until of course the faithful day when he said to me, so dearly and sweetly: "I love you, but God has called me to be his Saint...  and I'm not sure what I am supposed to do because I don't want to lose you, but I can't have you if I follow."

Ohhh.....   no....  Oh no, no, no.

But unfortunately, yes, that did happen.  And that was the first lovely "fight/argument/production/grandslam" event of the season.  Then there were more...

January:  "I just can't see myself loving you more than Jesus...  the personal relationship I have with my soul and Jesus comes before anything else, any other love in my life."

February:  "You know I can't promise you forever...  I can't even promise tomorrow.  Well, I mean I can promise you Monday, but you know what I mean by tomorrow...  This is day by day.  I'm just going through so many changes..."

< extra entry >

(( This was the January-February post that I never added... it explains those situations in full detail. ))Collapse )

< / extra entry >

March...  April...  May...  Same 'ol story, same 'ol song and dance.  More arguments, more productions, more drowning and floating back up.  More waves and whirlpools.  Things were soaring until that wonderous fiasco.  And then things progressively got worse.  I started getting frustrated with his lack of connection with me.  So I began my old habits.  I started drinking again with my sisters.  I slowly started to creep back onto the scene.  No, I did not want to be the same person as I was before, (not anything near it!), but a little here and there wasn't so bad. 

I wondered why I was doing all of this, until one day it dawned on me:  "We are not having enough emotional sex."

Which brings me to the topic of today's entry:  Sex and Love.  Probably the most intimate and bonding moment of two people's relationship.  The moment when the two people join together in one unity, emotionally and physically expressed in each the other.  The joining of their very SOULS and actual physical bodies.  The moment of most intense feelings of vulnerability, all walls torn down from the other.

Bliss.

But I guess that women just develop a deeper emotional level than men do with sex.  Men feel pleasure.  They orgasm every time.  They are the ones who insert themselves into the woman for physical pleasure.  A woman, however, takes a man inside of her.  When you are taking someone inside of you, they are invading your personal boundaries.  They are a foreign object in your very being.  When you take someone INSIDE of you, you are letting them into a place that no one goes.  That you don't even go to (very much).  And when another soul releases inside of you (be it simulated with a condom or actually in there...  God bless the people who are brave enough to use birth control), then that person is a part of you.  They have been in you.  This is how they develop deeper feelings about sex than men.

But these feelings are there only if they love the man.  Because a woman does not always get off in the act.  She is there because she loves the feeling of having her lover feel the most intense pleasure, which in turn drives her into a frenzy of pleasure which is even better than a purely physical feeling.  She glides with him over and under the waves of fantasy, only wishing that their actual atoms and molecules could burst apart and swirl together into an eternal mist that inspires that feeling forever in perfect form...

...  woah.  ok.  That got a little intense.  Temporarily blinded my senses there, couldn't see where I was leading this to.  But I was leading this to yesterday's events...

So I have been having these intense emotional feelings about my lover since damn near the first day we decided to see each other - and these feelings especially emerge while we are having sex, although they are not limited to just those circumstances.  They also come when I think about him during the day.  For a millisecond I encounter the "love bite", I call it.

And my boyfriend yesterday dropped the biggest bomb:  "We should not have sex anymore.  I am too caught up in my spiritual journey right now, and I believe that having sex is wrong at the time and it is holding me back from my spiritual journey."

< enter > ::long high pitched whoosing noise............................................ followed by a huge explosion, "BOOOM":: < /enter >

What a slap in the face.  I was floored.  Devastated.  Crushed.  Of course my intense bought of emotions just made me cry and I was unable to express in words how I was feeling - but I felt terrible.

So all of this time that we were loving each other during sex, I was feeling something more and you were getting only physical pleasure.  And worse, you did not realize that I thought more about it, and you simply saw it as me wanting to feel pleasure.

All I can do now is see it as my fault.  I am unable to express myself fully when it comes to intense feelings.  I sort of feel embarrassed when I do just in case the other person doesn't feel the same way.  I too often expose myself and give myself up.  But you blew it, honey, should have expressed it more.  Should have spoke up.  I should have been vocal.  I should not have held back for fear of embarrassment.  Because those feelings were contrived, false, not present.  Because then the feelings would have grow for the other side.

People express themselves in different ways.  Although I used to treat sex in the negative way that he described it as (purely a physical pleasure), it was insanely different when I started having it with him.  Which made me realize that there were deeper emotional ties.  This led me to explore that side of sex that I had never even considered:  The spiritual side.

He had no flaws...  he was perfection...  everything he was learning and going through was beautiful and ok and I was there to see him through and join in on the process...

I accepted everything and all.

This Mecca of Nirvana shined on through my sexual expression. 

His sexual maturity unfortunately, is stifled.  He cannot connect the physical with the emotional and spiritual.

...  I see the foundation of our relationship and it is building, and I believe that having sex is ok at this point and it can do nothing but make us more spiritually connected.

... He sees God in the way, waiting to guide him spiritually in whichever direction -Black or White - that he sees fit.  And he sees me with him, but he sees himself with GOD exclusively.  And he sees sex as confusion.  He sees sex as evil - unholy if it is not reserved for two souls in marriage.

And he sees me as confused about sex, and confused about life when I see all already - that our souls are married.  Not with a religious ceremony and a white dress and a tuxedo...  (all unnecessary human inventions that have little to do with spiritual joining.)  But we have been joined and have expressed it with our love.  This is the bigger picture.

When will he see that he can have both God and me, and that he can see God more through me?

God is LoveTRUE Love begets Love.

When will he see that he is designed for a greater love than one love alone, but with another.  The "Holy Spirit" is said to be inside of us.  The "Holy Spirit" described here is God (all the trinity and blah blah), and that "Holy Spirit" is Love.  Three.  Three is the powerful, spiritual number.  Father, Son, Holy Spirit.  Man, Woman, Holy Spirit.  All in Unity, one of the same.

And I believe that I see our Destiny.

So I wait.  Like I always must.  I continue to wait patiently for him to come around.  He said to me, "You are the constant...  I am the variable."  I am his rock.  When will he lay the foundation?  Giving yourself up to another is giving yourself up to God.  Giving yourself up to Love.

I can only ask: when will God reveal this to him in a solid way that he can finally grasp?  (Could you, please?)

"...Sleight of hand and twist of Fate, on a bed of nails you make me wait..."

How long must I wait?  Men...  so slow on the up-take. 
Please see me through this period.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: With or Without You, U2

Catharsis in its ripest form. May. 27th, 2009 @ 03:22 pm
l just wrote a wonderful piece, but of course I did not save it in time for it to be shown.  I had a clumsy slip of the wrist and the work is gone forever.  I wish I could simply pick up where I left off but then it will not seem as if there is a flow what-so-ever.  So I guess I must paraphrase what I was writing before and forsake all of the artistic quality that the beginning had before it disappeared.

I mentioned how I did something today that I haven't done in such a long while.  I spent time with myself.  I gave myself a day to think..  to daydream..  to listen to music and to dance..  to think about creation..

I mentioned how I have been dreaming about my ex.  I looked in a dream dictionary to find out that the reason I am seeing her is because I want to relive the good moments we had together.  I decided to interpret that as my desire to relive the feelings I had when I was ending our relationship.  The strength, will, and drive I possessed..  the speaking out against her injustices.. The believing that I could succeed as a whole without another..

I mentioned how the joy and feeling of catharsis (in its ripest form) was overcoming me, as I am also listening to classical music while dancing and thinking.

I mentioned next how I learned something about myself in the shower.  I came to the realization that the birth of conflict comes when people play the “I want to be right” game.  It is a Pride problem.  And I can overcome it.  I just have to release myself from the “game” aspect of it.  Which is entirely possible.  When one person and another argue, the two souls disagree and will stop at nothing to make sure that their point is the last heard, meanwhile, most of the times the two opposite sides will stick to the original opinion no matter who gives up on the argument aspect of the idea first.  So why bother fighting in the first place?

Last, in reference to the above paragraph, I wrote down much I don’t understand how a man and a woman can ever come together as one with peace.

Now I have come to the place in my previous lost passage that I was about to say something new.

So…  Where I left off:

In the shower I was thinking about my boyfriends religion.  His God.  His Bible.  And I thought about who screwed up in the Beginning - who originally messed up in the relationship between Adam and Eve.  Why?  Who was the blame?  Is what’s stated what really happened?  Are there details that have been purposely left out?  I came up with two creation theories:

[...Theories to come.  I have to do a bit more reading first.]



To drink from the river Lethe... May. 20th, 2009 @ 01:01 am
Sometimes when I listen to a music album long enough the songs begin to blend together and become a story of my life.  I guess some themes in music are universal and you can read them like horoscopes.  But I've listened to "The Open Door" by Evanescence a few times today, and each time gave me a clearer and clearer understanding of the relationship I had with a dark being a while ago.

This relationship was one of the best I've had.  It was pretty much a purely intellectual relationship turned sexual.  Unfortunately, however - as I often do - I screwed that one up pretty badly.  Well, it was not just me that screwed it up.  My ex boyfriend was very jealous of the conversations we were having and interveined as well.  But I was terrible to the poor boy.  I guess I was afraid of the potential relationship we were going to have, so I pulled away from him at the worst possible time (self destructive).

But he hurt me as well, and I guess I am finally coming to terms with this fact.  I seriously started to fall in love with the boy, and he had a girlfriend at the time that he would not leave.  So I could not wait for him forever.  Therefore, I dated someone else.  Then he broke up with his girlfriend, though he was too late.  Then we briefly hooked up right after I broke up with my girlfriend.  We had sex.  It overwhelmed me and caused me to fear him, which is why I pulled away from him and left him in the dirt, basically.

And then there was a time when we were eventually both single, but he had begun to smoke weed at this point (which was something that he was against and said he would never do.)  So this upset me and made me lose feelings for him.  He said he smoked because he was hurt so many times by so many people, one of them being me.

Which made me realize something:  How many people have I hurt beyond repair?

There are three distinct cases where I hurt people terribly.

One:  I cheated on her.  I lied to her.  I manipulated her.  And I told her I loved her when I hated her just because it was convinient for me at the time.  She tried to OD on pills right in front of me one time, blaiming me for all of her mental problems.

Two:  I made him believe I loved him, once again out of comfort and convinience, and then dropped him once it became too much of a hasstle.  I also ridiculed him and told him terrible lies so he would feel bad about himself.  He swallowed pills one day and called me to tell me that he might get terribly ill.  I told him to get over himself and hung up on him, only talking to him when he was home from the hospital to tell him how stupid he was.

Three:  I poured my heart out to him - I actually really liked this one.  And then we hooked up.  I freak out, got scared, and ran away.  Ignored him for months.  I then found out that I ignroed him right when his Dad died and he simply wanted to talk to me for comfort - not because he wanted anything from me in particular.  So I hurt him.  He began to smoke weed and drink, two things which he had never succumbed to before.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about how I did these things and justified them all.  I am such a destructive person.  It's almost like I live to cause pain to others.  There was a time when I actually got a sick kind of pleasure out of the pain I caused others.  It defiend me as a human being...  it was like a special power I had over others.  And now I see how wrong it was, but there were two sides of each story.  I gave the story from their perspectives.  I had one too.  I was very hurt.  I think the hurt the last one caused me occured because of the pain I gave the other two.

And now what?

I am in a relationship now that I longed for more than all the others put together.  And I love the boy.  And what do I do?  I think that I might take it for granted.  I treat him well and I don't ever hurt him (though he thinks that I start fights with him all the time...  he's a little paranoid), but there are times when I can seriously see myself just walking away from it completely and being alone.  It's almost like I don't want the responsability of someone else on my hands, because I am so self destructive, and I need the space to be so.  I don't want to concern myself over anothers well being, because in the end I just give it away.

I need to learn to be careful.  But how can I be careful when I am constrantly being reminded of my inadequecies?

How can I focus all of my attention on my relationship when all I can think of is the people I wronged?

When will I forget?  Do I want to forget?

Current Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
Current Music: Evanescence

To be "Just Friends" and mean it... May. 16th, 2009 @ 11:57 am
I talked to him.  It was...  strange, nothing more.  I told my boyfriend too, and (like I expected) he was angry and jealous for about a second, but then he was happy that I had the chance to talk to him.  Of course my ex did not tell his girlfriend, because he cheated on her with me (though it seems so long ago now).  The realization that I was in an non-controlling, open communication relationship was really nice.

So he wanted to talk that night.  I thought it would be hard to talk to him, but it was pure, at ease, and like a day didn't go by that we didn't talk.  We talked for over two hours and caught up about life.  He's still the same animal I knew.  He likes to drink and do outrageous things like race his truck and get into fights, but he also grew up in the fact that he likes to get his work done.  He is ahead of the others in his Navy league (he's training to be a submarine tech), and he doesn't miss a day.  He just parties on the weekends a little too hard.

The sad news about him, however, is the way he treats his girlfriend.  I'm sorry.  The way he treats his fiance.  He has been with her since we separated, and although he never once cheated on me, he cheated on her often, and he still cheats on her to this day.He asked me for advice on what to do, and the only thing I could think of to say was for them to break up.  He cannot stand her fighting with him, and she cannot stand his drinking (which could become a real problem some day).  But she won't break up with him, and he'll continue his extreme lifestyle with her on the side.  It's unfortunate.

Overall, though, it was nice to speak to him again.  The best thing about it was that he listened to me.  He even asked me questions and sat through some long stories.  He even asked me how my boyfriend and I got together, wanting to know every detail.  This is important because he never listened to me.  It was always him talking and me sitting idle and quiet.  So he has grown a little.

My boyfriend, when I first told him I was going to speak to my ex said to me: "Well why don't you get back together with him?  You should keep your options open... etc."  I promptly returned to him that he was an idiot and that this response was childish and jealous.  But when I talked to my ex I realized how much I like him.  Like him.  He was a great, fun, and dramatic part of my life, and I will always like him...  but that is all.  He was never good for a relationship.  He was good for the ups and downs - the roller coaster that we were, but he was never the grown, mature one that I need.  His faults are many, and I cannot accept those faults in someone I am dating, but I can accept those faults in a dear friend.

So perhaps we've finally reached a time in our lives when we can be "just friends", and I accept that with open arms.


How soon is now? May. 14th, 2009 @ 02:47 pm
So I might be about to do something that is a little crazy.  It has been almost a year since I have finally stopped talking to my ex.  In fact... the one year anniversary of the "no contact" finale is probably on or around May 25th.  And, well...  he texted me last night.  I think that he currently has a permanent residence in South Carolina right now because I checked the area code.  I did not answer him until an hour or so after he texted me, because I really really had to think about what I was doing.

He said to me: "Happy 5/13".

May 13th, 2005 (Friday the 13th, in fact) was  a random day that we decided to celebrate before we dated when we were just friends.  There were five of us, all friends at the time.  One of us had a bad day, so we decided to make up for it and spend the night together in an adventure that led us to the local forbidden train trestle deep in the woods.  We did no drugs and drank no alcohol.  We simply enjoyed each other's company under the stars.  So of course we decided to celebrate that day annually.

I am not sure if we ever really did.  In fact, I do not think it has been mentioned again on the actual day until last night.  I wasn't even sure it was him when he first texted me.  It really took me aback, being as random as it was.  It even took me a second to realize what the text was referring to.  At first I thought it was a friend congratulating me on my 11 month anniversary with my current boyfriend, but then I looked at the text again and realized the specific wording:  "Happy 5/13".  Not, "Happy 11 Months".

So when my boyfriend went home (I did not want to upset him), I texted him back saying: "5/13...  Can't believe anyone still remembers."

And then he answered: "Is it inappropriate for me to text you?"  "I don't see why we can't just talk as friends."

I paused...  I was very hesitant about answering.  Has he grown up?  Does he still have an alternate motive?  But my boyfriend always tells me that I make too many assumptions, so my curious side overcame my cautious/hesitant side and I answered him:

"Well distance has healed old wounds.  You seem far enough away to be harmless.  So I don't think it's 'inappropriate'."

He answered, "That's good to hear.  Can I call you later tonight or tomorrow?"

Now I was nervous again.  So I lied a little:  "I'm sleeping now.  Just woke up for a moment."

He said, "Okay.  Sorry to wake you.  I'll try to get in touch with you tomorrow.  Have a good night."

And now it is tomorrow.  I haven't heard from him yet, and I do not know what to do.  I'm not really sure if I should be talking to him, but I think that I have grown enough to the point that I can speak to him as a friend.  I don't know about him, though.  He had a tough time maturing.  He has been in the Navy now for over a year a half, but is that enough time to grow out of foolishness?

Was that a long enough time to move on from me?  I know that statement sounds somewhat conceited, but he was really connected to me.  I put him through some kind of mixed signals hell.  He was my first serious relationship, and I was still developing.  I still had a malicious man-hating side to me that I too often took out on him.  So his wounds are probably a lot deeper than my wounds.

And what about my boyfriend?  Will he be mad or even jealous?  Or will he be ok with me talking to him?  I wish I could say that if he suddenly started talking to an ex that I would be ok with it...  But I am not entirely sure about that.  I think that I would be jealous just a tiny bit, but I would allow it anyway, as one cannot control anyone else but themselves.

But should I talk to him?  Will he want to talk all the time if I talk to him once?  Because that's an attachment that I know I definitely cannot handle right now.  I don't know.  Maybe it is still too soon...

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