This is why we have romantics and realists.
And this might even go on further to say that this is why we have optimists and pessimists, although the lines are slightly blurred on this one if you weigh the options.
Love and Sex. This will be the title to my new book of life. Apparently my boyfriend thinks that I should write a dissertation on sexual activity, physical pleasure vs. emotional and spiritual connection.
Unfortunately the dear love of my life does not realize that I am sort of a seer. I'm not saying that i can predict the future or anything,but really... I do have a knack for that sort of thing. It all started years ago when I used to blog. I'd say around 9th grade or so. I also dabbled in journal-ing even before that. And what did I write about? My thoughts, feelings, and predictions/stories about the present and future. And what did I see a lot of in my writings from that time? The love I had for my current boyfriend.
I could not stand other boys. I hung out with a lot of them at the time, and some of them were even cute and funny and a little obsessed with me, but through them all I still had all eyes on him. I even dated a few of them seriously for a few years. But I retained my distant connection to him.
There was even a time that I was afraid to try something with this boy that he proposed. I turned him down on a few dates at strange times. Something inside me said "look, but don't corrupt". There is something there that still needs change and growth, but I will come back again when the time is right. Right now: patience and waiting.
And this is what I have done. Waited and waited and waited until this was ready.
And then last summer it finally was. Of course I had to make some slight modifications, (because I wasn't going to actively wait and sacrifice a little human fun). The time of malignant, malicious, and uncontrolled, unforgivable sin was to come to an end. I cut it out and absolved it.
And things soared. Oh, they were great for a long time. Until of course the faithful day when he said to me, so dearly and sweetly: "I love you, but God has called me to be his Saint... and I'm not sure what I am supposed to do because I don't want to lose you, but I can't have you if I follow."
Ohhh..... no.... Oh no, no, no.
But unfortunately, yes, that did happen. And that was the first lovely "fight/argument/production/grandslam"
January: "I just can't see myself loving you more than Jesus... the personal relationship I have with my soul and Jesus comes before anything else, any other love in my life."
February: "You know I can't promise you forever... I can't even promise tomorrow. Well, I mean I can promise you Monday, but you know what I mean by tomorrow... This is day by day. I'm just going through so many changes..."
< extra entry >
February 14th, 2009 -- "Valentine's Day"
"I love you so much I can't put into words the joy I feel knowing that you and I will be together forever. I love you songbird, sweet dreams."
That was what he said to me four months ago.
"You know I can't promise you forever... I can't even promise tomorrow. Well, I mean I can promise you Monday, but you know what I mean by tomorrow... This is day by day, Kerri. I'm just going through so many changes..."
This is what he said to me last night.
My heart broke. And I tried to get over it and pick up the pieces after I went home and went to bed last night, but I can't put them back together. This is all falling apart and slipping away. I feel strange. I feel an emptiness. And I don't know the next move that I should make. He said he still loves me and wants to be with me... but I don't know if I can have only half of what I had.
How it happened...
Apparently he has been "falling out of love" with me for several weeks. He wasn't sure if he was just experiancing some doubts that he would get over or not, but finally the truth came out. I did not feel loved by him since I was home this weekend. He was acting distant and strange. So I was, in turn, acting the same. I tried to kiss him and love him, but I was too upset by his lack of affection towards me.
So he asked me: "Are you hiding something from me? Did you meet someone? Did you do something you didn't tell me about?" I thought he was asking me this because I went to a bar the other night for the first time in months because it was my 2 friend's 21st birthdays and someone had to be DD. So I said to him "No. I didn't do anything." But then I had to tell him the feeling I was getting because I did not want to keep anything from him. So I said: "Ok... I guess I am sort of hiding something. This could just have to do with my own insecurities or shit that I'm making up in my head, but I just haven't felt loved by you lately".
That sparked a 2 hour argument/ berating lecture... the topics were all of my faults:
- "everything that is wrong with this relationship is your insecurities, kerri... I have no insecurities"
- "you are stupid, simple-minded, you don't think before you speak and you can't own up to anything?"
- "don't you see how you are the cause of everything?"
- "when you do this shit you discourage me... you make me have to rethink our whole relationship"
- "what you you WANT from me? what is it that you expect in a relationship? I took you when you were at your LOWEST. WHO ESLE WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU? Just TRY to fond someone better than me."
- "you are crazy... all you do is push me away with your insecurities."
- "you and your fucking assumptions... you are so predictable, kerri, all you do is ASSUME and EXAGERATE and then TRY TO FIND WAYS TO JUSTIFY YOURSELF because you can't deal with YOUR OWN DAMN PRIDE ISSUES"
There was more, but I can't think of the exact, specific quotes.
When we got down to the source of the problem, however, it was all quite different. IT TURNS OUT... that my "insecurites" and "doubts" were not "made up in my head" as he so presumed. However, they were brought about by his apparent "loss of love" for me these past couple of weeks. So my feelings were completely justified.
Me? Not the problem.
Him? Refuses to believe that he can have any responsability for anything.
He said that we had three conversations where I said something to personally and maliciously attack him. Why would anyone attack the person they love? Maybe during these three conversations I stated something that should have been a question.
He is religious. He said that he could never love me more than he loves Jesus Christ. This confused me. I'm not religious. To me... I wondered why this was true and how it could be true, because I loved him more than anyone else, why shouldn't he love me. I didn't understand. I said to him: "I don't know if I can be with someone who loves Jesus Christ more than me..."
This, he said, was a personal attack on his very being. What I said was nothing more than a confused statement. I wanted to understand. I wanted to hear more. Maybe I should ahve said, "how can you love Jesus Christ more than me?" And maybe he could have calmly explained that. But no. I stated that instead, hoping that he could help me understand through that statement.
I was clearly wrong. Apparently he thought I was a malicious person. Apparently he assumed that when I said that, I REALLY MEANT: "You are crazy to love Jesus more than me because he doesn't exist, you stupid religious fanatic... Your religion is just a bullshit hoax that was created for the weak so that they can naievely ignore the fact that there is no God, there is no afterlife, and there is nothing beyond life so you should just get over it."
What is it that he did there? Made an ASSUMPTION (Oh my God!), because of his own INSECURITIES and FEAR OF OTHER PEOPLE'S JUDGEMENT. So he AUTOMATICALLY WENT ON THE DEFENSE.
This argument happened in December or January -- I can't remember. And there were two other arguments such as these where I said similar statements that he OVER-REACTED to and EXAGERATED to crazy extremes.
This was the first of the three arguments.
The second "mysteriously can't be rememberered".
The third, was todays.
So now what does the future hold in store, and how am I supposed to react to all of this.
< / extra entry >
March... April... May... Same 'ol story, same 'ol song and dance. More arguments, more productions, more drowning and floating back up. More waves and whirlpools. Things were soaring until that wonderous fiasco. And then things progressively got worse. I started getting frustrated with his lack of connection with me. So I began my old habits. I started drinking again with my sisters. I slowly started to creep back onto the scene. No, I did not want to be the same person as I was before, (not anything near it!), but a little here and there wasn't so bad.
I wondered why I was doing all of this, until one day it dawned on me: "We are not having enough emotional sex."
Which brings me to the topic of today's entry: Sex and Love. Probably the most intimate and bonding moment of two people's relationship. The moment when the two people join together in one unity, emotionally and physically expressed in each the other. The joining of their very SOULS and actual physical bodies. The moment of most intense feelings of vulnerability, all walls torn down from the other.
But I guess that women just develop a deeper emotional level than men do with sex. Men feel pleasure. They orgasm every time. They are the ones who insert themselves into the woman for physical pleasure. A woman, however, takes a man inside of her. When you are taking someone inside of you, they are invading your personal boundaries. They are a foreign object in your very being. When you take someone INSIDE of you, you are letting them into a place that no one goes. That you don't even go to (very much). And when another soul releases inside of you (be it simulated with a condom or actually in there... God bless the people who are brave enough to use birth control), then that person is a part of you. They have been in you. This is how they develop deeper feelings about sex than men.
But these feelings are there only if they love the man. Because a woman does not always get off in the act. She is there because she loves the feeling of having her lover feel the most intense pleasure, which in turn drives her into a frenzy of pleasure which is even better than a purely physical feeling. She glides with him over and under the waves of fantasy, only wishing that their actual atoms and molecules could burst apart and swirl together into an eternal mist that inspires that feeling forever in perfect form...
... woah. ok. That got a little intense. Temporarily blinded my senses there, couldn't see where I was leading this to. But I was leading this to yesterday's events...
So I have been having these intense emotional feelings about my lover since damn near the first day we decided to see each other - and these feelings especially emerge while we are having sex, although they are not limited to just those circumstances. They also come when I think about him during the day. For a millisecond I encounter the "love bite", I call it.
And my boyfriend yesterday dropped the biggest bomb: "We should not have sex anymore. I am too caught up in my spiritual journey right now, and I believe that having sex is wrong at the time and it is holding me back from my spiritual journey."
< enter > ::long high pitched whoosing noise...................................
What a slap in the face. I was floored. Devastated. Crushed. Of course my intense bought of emotions just made me cry and I was unable to express in words how I was feeling - but I felt terrible.
So all of this time that we were loving each other during sex, I was feeling something more and you were getting only physical pleasure. And worse, you did not realize that I thought more about it, and you simply saw it as me wanting to feel pleasure.
All I can do now is see it as my fault. I am unable to express myself fully when it comes to intense feelings. I sort of feel embarrassed when I do just in case the other person doesn't feel the same way. I too often expose myself and give myself up. But you blew it, honey, should have expressed it more. Should have spoke up. I should have been vocal. I should not have held back for fear of embarrassment. Because those feelings were contrived, false, not present. Because then the feelings would have grow for the other side.
People express themselves in different ways. Although I used to treat sex in the negative way that he described it as (purely a physical pleasure), it was insanely different when I started having it with him. Which made me realize that there were deeper emotional ties. This led me to explore that side of sex that I had never even considered: The spiritual side.
He had no flaws... he was perfection... everything he was learning and going through was beautiful and ok and I was there to see him through and join in on the process...
I accepted everything and all.
This Mecca of Nirvana shined on through my sexual expression.
His sexual maturity unfortunately, is stifled. He cannot connect the physical with the emotional and spiritual.
... I see the foundation of our relationship and it is building, and I believe that having sex is ok at this point and it can do nothing but make us more spiritually connected.
... He sees God in the way, waiting to guide him spiritually in whichever direction -Black or White - that he sees fit. And he sees me with him, but he sees himself with GOD exclusively. And he sees sex as confusion. He sees sex as evil - unholy if it is not reserved for two souls in marriage.
And he sees me as confused about sex, and confused about life when I see all already - that our souls are married. Not with a religious ceremony and a white dress and a tuxedo... (all unnecessary human inventions that have little to do with spiritual joining.) But we have been joined and have expressed it with our love. This is the bigger picture.
When will he see that he can have both God and me, and that he can see God more through me?
God is Love. TRUE Love begets Love.
When will he see that he is designed for a greater love than one love alone, but with another. The "Holy Spirit" is said to be inside of us. The "Holy Spirit" described here is God (all the trinity and blah blah), and that "Holy Spirit" is Love. Three. Three is the powerful, spiritual number. Father, Son, Holy Spirit. Man, Woman, Holy Spirit. All in Unity, one of the same.
And I believe that I see our Destiny.
So I wait. Like I always must. I continue to wait patiently for him to come around. He said to me, "You are the constant... I am the variable." I am his rock. When will he lay the foundation? Giving yourself up to another is giving yourself up to God. Giving yourself up to Love.
I can only ask: when will God reveal this to him in a solid way that he can finally grasp? (Could you, please?)
"...Sleight of hand and twist of Fate, on a bed of nails you make me wait..."
How long must I wait? Men... so slow on the up-take. Please see me through this period.