Sometimes when I'm sitting - or actually let me get this right here - lying down on my makeshift "nap spot" on the living room futon, I wonder why I don't have the physical strength to move my body off of the futon to do something as simple as use the bathroom - I mean I literally sometimes have to have a five minute conversation in my brain, weighing the pros and cons, and then mustering the will power to CONVINCE myself to get up off the couch... just to pee. And then I remember that the reason I only maybe got done about 3 of the 10 things I listed on my "to-do" list that day (and "making this to-do list" was actually number one on my "to-do" list... yes, that one is currently crossed off... and the other 2 things I got done were "feed and/or give daughter attention when she cries" and "make bottles and fix the kitchen you destroyed yesterday when you made dinner"), and the fact that I feel like an 80-year-old woman with back ache, neck ache, headache, and ache STILL in places I don't want to admit... is because I literally just put my body through THE most emotionally and physically toiling experience I ever went through in my 24 years of life... and the "experience" lasted for about 9 months (some of it while I was unaware... oops). I just gave BIRTH. I know... I know... women everywhere have been doing this since the beginning of human existence, but not EVERYONE is born (or brought up) to bounce back from something as traumatizing as that overnight - especially when they have never handled or dealt with a screaming newborn 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Some women were not born with that "super-mom" gene. And why might someone, such as me, not have that wonderful and PROMISED "instant connection" and "maternal instinct"? Maybe in lies in the fact that for the past 6 years directly prior to this new phenomenon in my life I prepared for it in the first 5 years by graduating high school at the top of my class, getting a 4 year degree, and then working full time in a shitty-ass job and getting a masters degree at the same time - all while I was in a long distance relationship (so therefore career-focused, as I was not distracted by my boyfriend) and completely immersed into the profession that I was studying, AND with a fun - and satisfying - weekend job. And for the last year by moving to a completely new state with my boyfriend where my stellar education didn't count (thank you education system for being STATE laws) - so I couldn't get the dream job I wanted without taking more tests that I didn't have the money for at the time, so getting what was supposed to be a "temporary" job until I could prepare to take said tests, (and in this "job" was sometimes forced to have to take care of annoying, snot-nosed, smelly, needy infants and children)... Until I realized I was pregnant, and therefore by standard protocol for these non-insured situations, married not shortly thereafter, so having to keep the "temporary" job just until I shit out a baby.
I don't think these qualifications lead to or help you to prepare for that "amazing maternal instinct". *sigh*
So what now? Well, I guess I have to somehow manufacture that feature that nature or nurture decided to leave me deficcienct in.
But where to start?
I guess the first thing to do is look at the bright side of things. I won't consider my pregnancy an "accident", really. I mean... how effective is the I-think-I'm-getting-my-period-so-that-must-mean-it's-ok-to-blow-deep method of birth control? ...Not very. So it's not like my body wasn't prepared for this. Also, a good match in parents is always nice. I always wanted to marry my husband. I knew he was my perfect match... I just didn't realize how soon this one-day-imagined marriage would be, OR how fast. Got "engaged" ("oh, I got off work tomorrow so we could go to the court tomorrow between your work shifts") on a Thursday, and signed the certificate and got it validated by 11:14am the next day.
But I digress... Focus on the POSITIVE things. Hmmm... Well I guess that is as good a start as any to figuring out this "happiness" thing. The bright side. So my positive thing of the day? I finally mustered up the strength and courage to get off the couch (after doing the 3 things on my to-do list... some of them are still a"wip") and I wrote down some of my beginning thoughts and feelings of "motherhood".
...I wonder when I'll get my next "manic urge" to do something like this again. Hah! What I really wish I could say is, "I wonder if I can set a time to write down just a little each day and turn it into a wonderful blog about a new, struggling - yet completely witty - mother with the baby blues like WOAH", but come on now... Let's be real.
Signing off, now. The creature is stirring a bit, and I'm feeling lazy and lethargic again. Hope this can happen again some time soon.